I’m pleased to offer you the first-ever interview for Bookhound’s Den—okay, maybe pleased is a bit of an overstatement. Oh, who am I kidding? The interview is crap. I’ve never conducted an interview and I don’t seem to possess the natural ability that Misty Baker does. And I’ll be honest: my interviewee was not the best choice. But I really dug the commercial he was in and thought he’d be interesting to talk with. Turns out he’s pretty much a prick. Hindsight’s 20-20, I guess. I wouldn’t post it, but I don’t have anything else to post and I don’t want to leave you hanging over the weekend since I’ll be out of town.
Without further ado, I give you my interview with Woody the woodchuck:
Me: It’s nice to have this opportunity to talk with you. I love your work!
Woody: Yeah, that’s nice. Can we hurry up and get this over? I’ve got some important things to do.
Me: Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry. So, tell me a little about yourself.
Woody: I’m a woodchuck. What the hell am I supposed to tell you? I play in the water and I chuck wood.
Me: Is it true that your species is also referred to as "groundhog" and "whistle pig"?
Woody: Is it true that you're a jackass?
Me: Ah, okay. So…um…you started doing commercials. Do you have any plans to pursue an acting career?
Woody: Acting? Who was acting? That crazy old guy’s wife caught me and my brother chucking his wood with one of those new video-recording gadget thingies. I still haven’t seen a cent from those commercials. I’m thinking about suing that insurance company. But it’s hard to find representation when you walk on four legs and are covered in fur.
Me: So you really go around chucking people’s wood?
Woody: Duh! Of course I do. It’s pretty fun. Everyone needs a hobby. Besides, it pisses the old guy off. We get a kick out of that.
Me: I see. Well, this interview hasn’t gone exactly the way I expected.
Woody: What tipped you off, Einstein?
Me: Okay… Well, do you have anything to do with Woodchuck Cider?
Woody: Are you serious? What’s with you, man? Don’t you do any research?
Me: Sorry, man. Er, I mean woodchuck. I mean…
Woody: Yeah, I get your drift. You’re just like all the other humans. You think we’re at the bottom of the food chain and we’re dumb little critters that are a nuisance. Well, you know what? We are a nuisance! But it’s not because we’re dumb; it’s because we want to make your life a living hell! You better keep an eye on your woodpile this winter; you might just wake up one morning to find it all in the nearest pond. I’m through with this so-called “interview”!
At this point in the interview, Woody the woodchuck hopped off the wood stool he was sitting on and chucked it across the room at me. I’m doing okay now; I only needed 14 stiches. Who knew woodchucks were such ornery creatures?